Knowing and Believing
by Lyricism
Summary: Tobi knew that Deidara was a guy. He just didn't want to believe it. DeiTobi.


Back with a DeiTobi fic! Yeah, it's this pairing's turn to get a tribute, and this is what I came up with. I hope it does them justice.

And yes, I know that Tobi (or Madara or whoever he is now) is the real leader of Akatsuki. I don't care, though. In this story, Tobi is Tobi. No one else. Okay?

Note: This is through Tobi's POV. I tried to work in his sense of creativity, but I don't think that it worked very well. (sweatdrop)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I knew that Deidara was a guy. I knew it, I knew it. I just didn't want to believe it.

It happened when I first started working for Zetsu-san. I was sent on a simple retrieval mission: pick up some packages and bring them back to the Akatsuki lair. Simple enough. But that was when my entire life was altered, flipped both horizontally and vertically, and painted a shade of sepia.

He was sitting cross-legged on the floor when I entered the supposedly secret base. Fiddling with the clay he held in his hands, he didn't notice me, and thus he hadn't seen me stare. It wasn't that he was weird-looking or anything, it was just that I had never seen someone who looked so much like the opposite gender. The way he sat, slouching and hunching his shoulders, along with the way he made a small grunt whenever he made a mistake was extremely masculine, yet his hair, skin and eye reminded me of a woman.

As I stood there like an idiot, gawking, I felt as though I had entered an onsen. A warm sensation enthralled every fiber of my being, and it felt good. No, better than good. Excellent. Fantastic. Awesome. Outstanding. I didn't know why, though. He was a guy, I was a guy. Absolutely nothing was going to happen between us. And yet…

Thankfully, Zetsu-san had called out to me, and I gave him the packages like the good boy I was trying to portray. Awkward moment averted.

Over time, the onsen feeling tempered into my subconsciousness, and I couldn't look at Deidara without blushing. Not that anyone could see, due to the mask I wear, but it embarrassed me all the same. How could I have feelings for another man? There was no way my pride would allow that. I was _not_ gay, or so I thought. To save face, I kept my feelings to myself. I had no other choice.

One day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed to be with him. If only for a bit, if only for a while...So, I posed a soon-to-be reoccurring question to my boss. "Zetsu-san, can I join Akatsuki?"

When asked this, the two-toned plant man gave me a confused look. "Tobi, why in the world would you want to join Akatsuki?" his white side asked.

I was absolutely NOT going to confess my emotions now, so I persisted. "Can I join Akatsuki?"

Zetsu-san rolled his right eye. **"Look, kid,"** his black side started, **"you have a better chance of getting into a half-quart carton of milk than joining Akatsuki. **Really, Tobi, I have to agree. You're much too soft to hold your own against our other members, not to mention the initiation itself, which is grueling and-"

"So can I join?" With Zetsu, if you wanted something, you had to be persistent, not to mention as innocent as humanly possible. His white side was a real sucker for a little kid's persona. "Please, Zetsu-san? Tobi is a good boy!"

He sighed. "Yes, and that's exactly the problem. Why don't you go water that herb garden I have out back?" he suggested, changing the subject.

"Oh, okay! Tobi is a good boy!" I reiterated, going off to complete his request. What else could I do? I was his subordinate; I had to do what he said, and maintain a happy attitude with that. Well, I could wait. Good things come to those who are patient.

I was right about being patient. Sasori, a member of Akatsuki, and Deidara's partner, no less, had been killed. When I got the news, I was both excited and sickened at myself. Here I was, with a chance of getting into Akatsuki and being his partner, but I was so _ecstatic _for the death of someone. Granted, that someone was made of wood and probably didn't have any human feelings left, but the principle was still there. The feeling of excitement overpowered the feeling of disgust, though, because I knew that I was going to be in. I was, no matter what.

------

Working with Deidara, I kept my 'good-boy' act up. I don't know why. Perhaps I was unsure that he'd like the real me. Well, one thing was certain- he hated good-boy Tobi. He would always snap at me whenever I'd say, do, or point out something stupid. He would always detonate bombs around me, obviously trying to blow me up. He would call me insulting and hurtful names on an hourly basis. For anyone else, this position sucked. But, I was finally with my love. I was happy.

Of course, I knew that he hated the way I acted, and, in turn, hated me, and that I could go to my normal personality and have some chance of him being tolerant of me. But, I didn't change the way I acted. I just didn't want to believe that he hated good-boy Tobi. I mean, he was the only person who could make my stomach do somersaults and my heart flutter that a sugarhigh hummingbird. How could someone I cared for so much loathe me in return? I could only hope that he was playing along.

But, I'll never know for sure. That damned Uchiha Sasuke prevented that.

I won't forget my last day with Deidara-sempai. We were sent to stop Sasuke from advancing on his way to the hideout. It seemed so simple, and my sempai was ultra-excited. It was just the type of mission he loved- tough enough to stimulate his artistic juices, but easy enough to ensure a win. He was pumped, and I suppose that attitude infected me as well, since I found myself bouncing along as I walked to our stakeout position.

Itachi-san's brother was tougher than we had expected, and after a while it became painfully apparent that Deidara was struggling to try and get the upper hand in the battle. I could only stand on the sidelines, for if I attempted any of my jutsu, my entire image would be ruined. It was a superficial, selfish thing to do, but I was role-playing. I needed to be that good boy. It was who everyone thought I was.

"_Ha! I'll show you that true art really is a bang!" _His voice still echoes in my head, putting his last words on a loop in my brain. It all happened so fast, so suddenly…it was hard to discern one moment from the next. However, I do remember one thing: the bright flash. The star-shaped light that was my partner, turning himself into a work of art. The explosion that put tears in my eyes, tossed rocks at my chest and threw me up against a huge tree. The one thing that destroyed what could have been.

------

After that day, I became depressed and introverted. No longer caring about being 'good-boy Tobi,' I refused to come out of the room I once shared with Deidara. They all assumed I was bawling my eyes out at the loss of my beloved sempai. They all assumed that I would reattach myself to Zetsu now that Deidara was gone. They all assumed that I had no feelings for the blond.

Well, they were wrong about all of those things. My feelings for him were greater than anyone could ever imagine, and I though of Zetsu as a friendly boss, rather than an attraction like my partner had been. I would never be able to cling to him as I had for Deidara.

While in the room, I did not cry. I was not the small child they all thought me to be, and I was not helpless. Quite the opposite, in fact. Instead of wallowing in my sorrow, I created a solution: I would lay in his bed, breathing in his warm-yet-cold scent and imagining what it would be like if he was still here. Although it was no substitute, it kept me sane.

Only when I stopped to think did I appall myself. Here I was, supposedly a heartless shinobi, lying in my crush's bed to try to emulate the effect he had on me. Not only that, but said crush had been a _guy. _No self-respecting male of my situation would ever confess loving one of their own gender. (Mostly male, macho criminal organization. Grieving, homosexual/bi lover. You do the math.) And, as much as I hate to admit it, I was _afraid_ of my coworkers. Most of them had scary appearances, and their personalities weren't too appealing, either. I'd have to be crazy to come out of the closet with this lot.

Eventually, I let myself out of the room and stopped lying in Deidara's bed. I began to gain confidence again around the others, and although I was still a good boy, the act was diluted and lessened. I started to smile and laugh again, more myself than an RPC. Everyone seemed to like this new Tobi better, including me.

There's still an empty space in my heart, though- a vacancy that only Deidara-sempai could ever fill. That space hurts when I'm alone, in our old room. His possesions are still strewn across the floor –I didn't dare touch them- and his clay still on the high shelf. It's almost as if he'll return from the dead someday, and all his stuff will be right here waiting for him. (Hey, I can dream, can't I?)

If there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it's that knowing and believing are two different things. What we believe gets in the way of what we know, and what we know gets in the way of what we believe. It's a relentless cycle that leaves the religious praying, the scientists studying and the lovers heartaching. There's no right way to go it, and there's no effective way, either.

You just can't win.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ha, who'd've thought you'd get some eclectic wisdom from Tobi, eh?

Well, for those of you who've read my other pairing fics (not counting the poetry), you may have noticed something different: IT'S IN FIRST PERSON! Oh my God, this was really hard to write, due to my third-person habits, but it was fun putting myself in Tobi's place and seeing how he would react to different things.

Reviews make Tobi _and _Deidara happy. XD


End file.
